Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs, baby. In a rather intense week, I realized I'm yearning for culture and community and have since made that a HUGE priority for myself. Already, I am loads lighter and more joyful. It's odd because I have resisted community for SO long (more on that in #7) and it just goes to show if you surrender ego and do the healing, joy awaits.
1. Making a wants list.
It's easy to let life slip through your hands. And frankly, it's kind of scary to note down what you want. What if it challenges the comfort of the life you have? But please, please, please (Sabrina Carpenter style) don't live a life without you in it.
Here are the categories I recommend journaling on:
- Career/Finance
- Social/Community
- Health
- Romance
- Family
- Leisure/Play
- Spiritual
2. Mixed culture.
Everywhere you go has a culture of some kind, but not everywhere you go is cultured. By proper definition, "a cultured person has had a good education and knows a lot about art, music, literature, etc." I do appreciate this in a human, but what I suppose I am defining being "cultured" as, is "open-minded" and "integrated." I love a place that's a melting pot. As much as I love being immersed in nature, I recently realized that that's not all. I need some liveliness. Some cacophony. Alongside my own, I want to hear different languages, see different flags, and dance to music from a land faraway.
3. Learning THIS about boundaries...
WHY did it take me until last week to learn that boundaries are not in place for other people to do the work, they're in place for you to maintain so the relationship stays/ gets closer!
So here's what that looks like:
Your boyfriend talks about politics all the time.
You HATE politics - it stresses you out and creates tension in your relationship.
You say, "hey, I see that this interests you a lot. I want you to feel like you have a free place to share this, so maybe you can connect with a friend on this. I feel this brings a certain stress to me and our dynamic that doesn't feel supportive. I'd rather use our leisure time to talk about exciting plans, things we think are funny, or just time to cuddle!"
He says, "that makes sense. I hear you."
GREAT. You "set" a boundary, while maintaining connectedness and demonstrated why it's important to you and more beneficial for the relationship.
THAT'S NOT THE END. It's only the beginning. NOW you must maintain. This means EVERY single time your boyfriend brings this up, you remind him of the boundary.
It can be kind, but it must be firm. Even if you slip ONE time and demonstrate that you don't care, it will be read as "it's okay to do this now!" And you'll have to start at ground zero (or close to it). It's training, and it's your responsibility to preserve. If you have someone who STILL repeatedly blows through your boundaries, you can leave and/or have a more serious discussion.
4. Reaching "one rung up."
I believe this is a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tool, but let me know if I'm wrong in the comments. Reaching "one rung up" is a metaphor that is as practical as they come. Around 80% of our thoughts in a day are negative (OOF BABY) so can you imagine how much better off we'd be if we caught those thoughts and reached ONE rung up on the ladder of positivity?
Example:
You think: I am so far behind in life.
You catch it. You realize it doesn't help you.
You reach one rung up and think this: There is no race or marker system in life.
You could leave it there and feel significantly better, or you could keep climbing on rung at a time:
I am right where I am supposed to be.
And one more: Magic is happening right now.
5. Brushing and oiling my hair before bed.
Fun little hobo fact about me (p.s. I stopped saying that word because I didn't want to be mean, but I truly don't think it's mean so let me live): I brush my hair >1x/week. That was all fun and games until my hair health started screaming at me and now I'm making changes. For the past week, a few days per week, I've been brushing it (tip to root) and then distributing about a 1/2 tsp of a natural hair oil (this is what I use) from tip to mid-shaft. I then braid it or put it in a loose, low bun to keep it hydrated and safe as I thrash the night away in my sleep. It seems healthier and happier!
6. Having days in the life with your friends.
I'm really into this idea of hanging out with my friends in their space for a 24-hour period and literally shadowing them in their lives. We're hanging, we're enjoying, and I'm just following them around their day-to-day. To their grocery stores, their fitness classes, sipping the tea they like and eating the food they make themselves for lunch. It's honestly so interesting and special to see how your people live - it's intimate, it's inspirational.
7. Being around people.
I started developing a suspicion a few years ago that I wasn't actually a true introvert (I'd always been on the brink anyhow), but rather a traumatized extrovert. Well, guess what? After a year of learning about and implementing boundaries, I'm finally enjoying being around people with so much more ease - even comfort. So much so that after I spent a day at the office of a nonprofit I used to work for, I actually asked myself: should I get an office job? I am SO much happier and more stabilized when I have people around. I'll be exploring the best ways to make this work...
