It’s spooky season, babies!
Which means, it’s time for me to do the spookiest thing I’ve ever done on the blog and share a few things that might upset you. Why? I’m not perfect. I’m a multifaceted human being with opinions, intuition and triggers of my own. In sharing this, it would be natural for you to judge me. I’m not even mad at you if you do. But what I do hope you do is choose to breathe through this and recognize that where I differ from you, your viewpoint, your opinions, or expectations doesn’t mean you or I are not safe. You are safe. I am safe. We can coexist as humans stumbling through this clunky world together.
Deep breath. I invite you to witness what comes over you as you read this. Have you pedestaled me? Are you disappointed? Are you fearful? Do you have a hard time accepting other people who have different viewpoints than you? Do you have friends on all sides of the opinion and lifestyle fence? Witness yourself through my exposure. And breathe.
Here are the five most polarizing things about me:
1. I’m unvaccinated.
I was ready. Gung-ho. Writing articles for huge media outlets like Huffpost supportive of getting vaccinated. I cheered people on who did. I was so ready that I was standing in a physical line at a Walgreens in Puerto Rico ready to get my COVID shot when I got a call from my mom (who is vaccinated).
“Did you already do it?” She asked urgently.
“No, I’m like 2 people away though. Why?” I replied.
“I just got off the phone with Dr. Jane. Call her before you do it.”
I called my family doctor. The same one who’d discovered my heart was crooked in my chest and connected dots no one else could. The same one my entire family had trusted for decades, returning to her again and again even when we were across the globe.
“You know I’m allopathic. This isn’t my style to say and I realize this could get me in a lot of trouble, but if I had daughters, I would tell them to absolutely not get this,” she said. She referenced studies on JAMA and other medical research databases indicating that cells were clustering specifically in the female reproductive systems. “It’s just too soon to tell, and even later, they’ll gate keep a lot. Do your research, and for now, I'd certainly say wait.”
My partner at the time was getting the vaccine while I was on the phone. They called me up and I turned away. I wasn’t ready. I needed to weigh this all out. As I did my research, I found tons of research to support her statements, but I was still skeptical. Who could I trust? I waited… I read… I spoke to many experts… I found tons of medical studies about the viral load being the same for unvaccinated and vaccinated people (one of the main points of getting vaccinated)… I listened to the three hour podcast with Dr. Malone, creator of the COVID vaccine technology who said he didn’t trust it himself. Most importantly though, I tuned into myself, my body, my intuition. And it told me no.
I understand the anger that brings up for people, but to add one more polarizing opinion I have as a bonus: I am consistent with my beliefs. If I say “my body, my choice,” I mean it. And I do. For everything. I had a friend ask me a good question: “Are you gonna feel like a selfish asshole if you find out that the vaccines are truly effective and you were spreading the virus more than others?”
I paused sincerely.
“No,” I said. “Because given the information at that time, I wasn’t ready. And I wasn’t going to hand over my body with blind trust to an industry that’s lied a million times.”
She, someone who disagreed with me, nodded understandingly.
2. I’ve gotten 2 nose jobs.
Yep. The first one was when I was 18. I had a deviated septum and hyper-enlarged inferior turbinates (fancy internal nose stuff) that truly made it hard to breathe and was suspected to be the root cause of my chronic strep throat. I went to multiple ENTs to confirm and eventually decided to get it fixed. Obviously, like a cliché young insecure girl working in fashion and beauty would, I asked for my nose to get slimmed down a bit while they were scalpel-ing around in there. Insurance would even cover a big chunk of it, so why not!? The doctor told me he’d probably need to break my nose to support the work I wanted, but I told him I wanted something VERY subtle. Just a tiny bit of slimming.
Well, he honored that by not breaking my nose, but the cartilage at the tip was so weak from the slimming (and it was naturally weak to begin with) that it collapsed, leaving me with a twisted, crooked nose that was so much more noticeable than any flaw I thought I had before. For five years, I tried self-loving myself through it, but damn, it really hurt looking at myself in the mirror and realizing my own insecurities destroyed my face. Eventually, I decided to fix it. I got a big payout for something serendipitous and used almost all of the money to just have peace. My nose was so obliterated inside that many surgeons even turned me away before I found the one who could fix me. The doctor had to take a chunk of my rib out to essentially make my nose have any structure again. Now, it looks almost exactly like the one I was born with - which is honestly, emotionally, ironically, what I wanted.
3. I consider myself moderate politically.
For some reason, this seems to upset everyone. Liberals think I’m conservative and conservatives just think I’m kinda lame - HAHA. As a middle-minded person, I see all sides. I’ve joined too many cults in my young life to believe there is any “one way.” I don’t know about other moderates, but to me, being a moderate is weighing out every issue and ACTUALLY feeling into how you feel about it instead of going with any mass opinion. It’s varied. It’s nuanced. My version of moderate is basing every opinion off of compassion, reflection, understanding and not fear or hate. I question everything, every movement, every motive. I believe in love and acceptance and equality and freedom for all.
4. I don’t really like dogs.
I’m so sorry. There’s really nothing else to say here. I know this is the one that hurts the most.
5. I’m vegetarian-ish.
Some may not care at all, but I know some in the plant-based community might. I eat intuitively. Do I believe being plant-based would be better for the planet? I’m pretty certain. Do I think it would be better for the animals? Absolutely. I wish this was a utopia. I wish my body didn’t crave chicken every once in a blue moon, but it does. This started coming up occasionally over the last two years or so and I resisted hardcore, but as I started cycle syncing (more on that another time), I found that I could really trust my body. I don’t know why it’s savage and craves eating my favorite animal from time to time, but it just does. I have to believe that if this exists, it belongs. Mindfully.
Okay. We made it. How are you? Breathe, okay? We’re okay. Reflect in a way that feels healthy for you and remember, different viewpoints, opinions and lifestyles are no threat to yours.
Thank you for being here.
I love you completely.
Sincerely,
Kama
